I won't let go

Today wasn't the best, lets be real here.

Aaron left this morning a little after 0500. We stayed up all night, and I'm still running on only 1 hour of sleep (if that). Our families gathered around 0230 to spend our last hours with him. I was queasy the whole time. But I did fine. We spent time together before we had to meet with everyone else--talking, joking, and reassuring each other. We went with him to draw his weapon at 0330. We sat around talking, joking, and taking pictures (Aaron has the camera, so when he can send them, I'll post some). A little after 0400 we went to brigade to see him off. We got to spend most of the time with him--all but maybe 5 minutes. We hugged and kissed--he hugged his mom.

Then that damn white bus came. It pulled into the parking lot around 0430-0445. It was taunting us. Just sitting there reminding us that it would take Aaron away and we wouldn't hear from him for a couple of days. It was like it was staring me in the face--mocking me and how sad I was becoming.

It became time for him to go. I hadn't cried the whole time we were on post until then. I saw his mom crying, him hugging her and reassuring her that he'd be home soon. I lost it. I didn't want to see him go. Aaron came to me last, wrapped me up and told me not to let go. I told him that I loved him and would see him soon. We said more to each other, but it's a blur right now after only an hour of sleep the whole night. He let go and started walking away. He didn't look back--for that I'm thankful. I wanted to run after him and storm the bus and take it over and drive everyone away. If he'd have looked back I seriously might have--I was ready to run. I watched him get up on the bus and find a seat in the front. Moments later the bus started to lurch forward. We stood in the same spot we'd been standing anticipating the moment we saw him for the last time.

As soon as I saw him, I waved...blew a kiss and mouthed "I love you, always..forever." I don't know if he knew or saw what I mouthed, but in his heart I know he did. I am trying not to dwell on the sad parts of the day--instead the times we were laughing--how we saw the new Batman 3 times in the past week and would quote it back to each other and smile--how he told me he'd be back and would call as soon as possible. Every time I say out loud "I love you" or "I'm fine baby" or "See you soon" I pray it's from my lips to God to Aaron's heart.